10 Easy Ways to Keep Your Wife from Falling Prey to Christian Grey

by Stanley J. Leffew

10 Easy Ways to Keep Your Wife from Falling Prey to Christian Grey takes a humorous stab at the book, "Fifty Shades of Grey."

As I write this, "Fifty Shades of Grey" is an international phenomenon. What is it with women and romance novels, anyway? Romance novels really are predictable. They all have a similar slant in spite of having a different story line, and stereotypical characterizations abound.

Understanding how the heroine and the hero in romance stories is so often portrayed is, therefore, your key to keeping your wife from falling prey to Christian Grey (the main male character in Fifty Shades of Grey) or any other romance novel character. Yes, this is written to be sarcastic tongue-in-cheek dogma.

  1. It's time for some insanity, men. No, not insanity as in crazy, but Insanity as in the workout infomercial. If you are struggling measuring up to THE MAN in romance novels, measure up to THE MAN on the cover and much will be forgiven. The men on most covers of romance novels come with a Mack truck full of six-packs. There's not enough space in a Hard Rock Café to contain the roll of six-pack abs these men showcase. Apparently, there really is something about being able to do the peck-pop-of-love, so start your workout NOW!
  2. I know your high ambitions landed that minimum wage dream job, but it may be time to dream bigger. Teddy-The-Terrific in romance novels is rarely ever presented in blue collar fashion. He is usually a dark, chilly, complex shadow of a man with crazy wealth and flashy success. His attraction to women readers often has foundation in the power and prestige connected with his millionaire status in life. So, unless you're a shoo-in winner of the next Who Wants to Be a Millionaire show, it's time to start hooking up mergers instead of cooking up burgers.
  3. If you are squeaky clean, you gotta get some baggage, men. Taming the tiger in the wild and seemingly untamable male full of baggage has an allurement to women everywhere. Bad-boy-meets-good-girl-who-makes-bad-boy-good is classic and predictable drama in romance novels. She must be careful, though. If she makes him too squeaky clean and good, she'll leave him to go find her another bad boy with baggage needing to be tamed. So, give your life some baggage and your wife will be so busy trying to tame you that she won't have time to read romance novels.
  4. Get in touch with your inner Indiana Jones. If she can't escape the normal life, then she'll pour herself into the untamed adventure and excitement of danger the male character from romance novels stirs up in her quest for excitement. Being a bump-on-a-log man sitting next to her on the sofa whining about your running pain can't compete with the male character from her romance story doing Running of the Bulls in Spain.
  5. Turns out that turning that extra room into a playroom for the kids was not what your wife had in mind when she asked you to build a playroom. Fast! Get to Home Depot today, and get all the materials you need to build that chamber Dr. Frankenstein and Dr. Jekyll would both be proud of. As you build it remember the old cliché, "No pain no gain."
  6. Volunteer the two of you at a Human Trafficking Center dedicated to the rescue of young girls harbored and exploited for sex. The heroine in romance novels is really the reader's (mainly women) story. Romance authors want the lady reading to identify and empathize with the heroine in the story. So, volunteering as suggested may just be what is needed to help give your wife empathy enough to want to RESCUE Anastasia Steele instead of switch places with Anastasia Steele. Abuse is never okay, and I keep hoping at least one woman reading Fifty Shades of Grey will speak up for Anastasia being victimized by Christian Grey, or at least speak up for the well-being of real-life women being abused.
  7. Guys, you gotta get in touch with your inner maid! In case you haven't noticed, the male lead character of romance novels, Christian Grey, included, rarely has real life issues like a little Teddy Jr. throwing up on the floor, dirty underwear or a sink full of dishes. Assuming you haven't fixed point number 2 above and gotten a full fleet of household staff, guys, you've gotta go do those dishes, laundry and sterilizing of the house to assure your wife never sees any of that. You don't want her longing for life with a man like that presented in romance novels do ya? Ladies, am I right?
  8. Guys, as soon as you can you must go get schooled on becoming a Master of Disguise. Why are women so drawn to romance novels? For the same reason the love songs of life all talk about. Falling in love! Every time a woman opens up another romance novel she has another man she gets to fall in love with. After taking that master of disguise training, you'll have all you need to disguise yourself as somebody new for your wife to fall in love with every day. Who needs Christian Grey when you are giving her a real-life influx of characters to fall in love with?
  9. Don't waste time growing a mustache or beard, grow some fangs. Apparently, vampire characterizations run amuck in romantic fiction novels. The "Twilight" movies have proven the power of the fang, and fangs are the one thing Christian Grey doesn't have. You will be so far out of his league after light glistens off your two pointed eye-teeth that he won't even be a distraction for your wife.
  10. If all else fails, it's time to call the FBI's Behavioral Analysis Unit from the TV show Criminal Minds. "Hotch" and his team are masters at profiling dark, shady, dementedly troubled men getting their kicks from hidden chamber rooms they use for torture pleasure. I'm sure they would love profiling 26-yr. old Christian Grey with his sordid past who rises above all that to be a billionaire entrepreneur that never works, can play piano, is extremely athletic, fully ripped and equipped, and, evidently, leaves a woman begging for more of his beastly treatment enough to accept this unhealthy relationship, fall in love, bare a child and spend the rest of her life with him. He does all this without even being a Rock Star or a vampire and has over 8,300 reviews of his badly written, sadly smitten story at Amazon. Jeez!

So, there you have it! 10 easy ways you can keep your wife from falling prey to Christian Grey or any other romance novel character.

"Fabio, Fabio, wherefore art thou Fabio?"

Words you never want to hear coming from the lips of your wife captivated by one more of those romance novels, and, now, you know how to keep it from happening.


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by Stanley J. Leffew

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