My Husband Can't Stop
Looking at Other Women

by Joy

Looking at Women

Looking at Women

Q: My problem is not surviving a breakup, it is surviving the day-to-day comparisons I give myself because of my husband's wandering eyes.

My husband says it is only natural for men to look at other women and I shouldn't feel threatened. I don't think my husband has a clue the impact this has on a woman struggling to live in a world where women have to judge ourselves against pretty people through the media and everywhere else in our world.

I'm not unattractive or out of shape, either. I work out to keep my shape and to bring the best body I can into our marriage bed. He has been this way throughout our marriage. Would love to know your thoughts on this.


A: Hi, Joy. This is a great question, and it is one that women ask all the time. Here is my take on whether it is only natural for husbands to look at other women and whether wives should just not feel so threatened.

Your husband seems to be chiming in his defense the old adage, "Just because I'm not eating doesn't mean I can't still look at the menu." I've heard these type sayings from men all my life.

There are several things happening here.


  1. There is a natural chemical high that happens in the brain of a man when he looks at attractively built women. This is one reason pornography has the appeal it has with so many men. This can result into a very, very bad habit for men, and like any bad habit, one that needs to not control a man.
  2. Your husband needs to take a class on common courtesy. It is selfishly non-courteous to ask any wife to live with a husband's wandering eyes. And, as you so wisely expressed in your question, especially in light of insecurities that women today are challenged with. What would men do if the tides were turned and every grocery store checkout was lined with muscle-ripped men wearing bikini briefs on their magazine covers making him feel insecure?
  3. Your husband is ignoring boundaries he should be setting for himself, and the boundaries he should be setting for his marriage. If he doesn't set boundaries for himself, he is failing to guard his own heart. If he hasn't set up boundaries for his marriage, he is setting himself up for possible scandal and failure. I talk all about this in, ""How to Inspire Your Husband to Stop Looking at Other Women." Some husbands say they only look at other women when their wife isn't around, but I say that guarding their heart is still a priority even if their wife isn't around.
  4. A husband having to defend his right to look at other women should make it obvious an offense is taking place. Not offending his wife should be high on the list of a husband's priorities.
  5. Men would do well to remember that there is a difference between taking note and taking notes. Taking note means he noticed, but taking notes (letting his eyes feast) means he's planning.


Your question is a very good question, and it is one women around the world are asking and trying to work through with their own husband's. Thank you so much for sharing.

Stanley J. Leffew
Author of "How to Be Wanted for a Lifetime of Nights and Not Just a Night of a Lifetime."

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